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"Bad" jokes


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A few "bad" jokes to go with your GM style:)

Pants in the air. "Hey girls, do you know how you can tell whether you liked us?" "No?" "Well tonight, when you get back to your hotel / dorm, and you remove your panties, throw them in the air and if they stick to the ceiling / wall, then that means that you liked us!" (Nathan Szilard, ASF: "I couldn't fucking believe it, the girls laughed hysterically!!":)

The telepathic watch. You can act this one out with her or tell it as a joke as a safer alternative:) "A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No", he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" "It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains. "What's it telling you now?" "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!" The man starts tapping on the watch face and says, "Damn thing must be an hour fast!"

The spermogram. This one is very usable separately as well, but better not use it before you've made sure the girl is or would be comfortable with sexual innuendoes. "A guy goes to a hospital to get a spermogram. The doctor gives him a glass and ask him to fill it up. He goes home to try it with his left hand, try it with his right hand and nothing. He asks for his wife to help, she tries with her left hand, her right hand, her mouth, and nothing. Then again, he asks for his daughter to help, she tries with her left hand, right hand, mouth and nothing. He asked for her neighbour to help, a real HB, she tries all that and nothing. Then, he goes back to the hospital and tells the doctor: "Give me another glass. Nobody can open this one!"."

Rating system explained. This one is quite harsh for a girl and not because of the sex-theme but rather because of the "rating girls" theme. Even while laughing at this joke, she's bound to think "I wonder what she rates ME?". Of course this could have her imagine all sorts of fun stuff like "I wonder if I'm 8 / if he'd eat me?:)" but more probably than not, rating her, even if only hypothetically, is a major turn-off for a girl. So you'd better use quoting if you just have to tell this one ("I can't believe it, my friend just told me this stupid joke…":).

Rating system explained:
7 You'd Fuck Her
8 You'd Eat Her
9 You'd Eat Her After You Fucked Her
10 You'd eat her after your Buddy Fucked Her!

Hurdles. What's this: Grab your upper lip with one hand, lower lip with the other, and pull upper to left, lower to right, then upper to right, lower to left, repeat 5 times, then open mouth a little wider while doing same for one repetition, then 5 more repetitions as above.
Answer: view from below of girl doing 100 meter hurdles.

In a loud club. Not actually a continuation of the GM technique and you won't get her with this one, but it'll probably cheer you up a little nevertheless:)

You: "Do you want to dance?"
Her: (looking at you like a piece of shit she just stepped in) "no"
You: (looking confused then) "oooohh nonononono, I SAID.... YOU....LOOK...FAT,.....IN... THOSE....PANTS..." pointing:)

A modification in case you get snuffed asking the girl for a dance.

He: Hey Baby... wanna dance?
She: No.
He: Oh, C'mon! Lower you're standards a little. I did...:)

Doctor's appointment. One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

Voodoo dildo
(Here's a great joke to tell a woman you ALREADY have good rapport with or already know well. Notice how it uses embedded commands to get her all hot and horny)

This guy is leaving town on business for a week and he's starting to get a little worried. You see, his wife is a nymphomaniac, and he knows that as soon as he leaves, she'll start to GET VERY HORNY and think to herself, "YOU'VE GOT TO GET SOME". So he goes to the adult toy shop to check out what they've got. And he notices there's an ornately carved wood box behind the counter. So he asks the salesman what it is, and the salesman says, "Oh...that's the voodoo dildo. Here...let me show you." So the salesman opens the box, and there, lying on a bed of red velvet is what looks like an ordinary vibrator. The salesman says, "Watch this! Voodo dildo-door!". The voodoo dildo rises from the box and flies across the room and begins banging like crazy against the keyhole! Before it can break the door down, the salesman says, "Voodoo dildo-box!" and the dildo soars back and gently lands in its box.

Well, needless to say, the guy HAS to have the voodoo dildo! At first the salesman refuses but after an hour of haggling and $1000, the man walks off with the magic dingus. He explains how it works to his wife, and kissing her goodbye, sets off on his trip. Now, she resists using it for two days, but finally, she starts to FEEL THE HORNINESS BUILDING INSIDE. She can't take it anymore, so she opens the box and says, "Voodoo dildo-my pussy!". The voodoo dildo slams into her and begins pumping her in every conceivable position and angle. She can't believe the power and precision; she's getting it with exactly the right strokes, exactly the right angles, exactly the right pressure and she starts to HAVE ORGASM AFTER THUNDERING ORGASM."

After two hours, she can't take it any more, but she can't pull the damn thing out! The harder she tries, the more it seems to change it's shape and adapt to her, to fill her exactly the way she needs to to drive her to WANT IT MORE AND MORE AND MORE WITHOUT STOPPING! She tries calling 911, but they don't believe her! So she decides to drive herself to the hospital. As she's headed down the road, she's moaning in pleasure and desire, because the dildo keeps making her HAVE UNBELIEVABLE ORGASMS. Because she's swerving all over the road, a motocycle cop pulls her over!! The cop wants to know if she's been drinking, and she says, "Officer...I wasn't drinking! It's all because of the voodoo-dildo!"

And the cop says, "Voodoo dildo, my ass!"

Update. Short takes
Q. Why is air a lot like sex?
A. Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

Q. Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?
A. He heard the snow blower coming.

Q. What's the difference between light and hard?
A. You can sleep with a light on.

Q. Why is sex like a bridge game?
A. You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.

Q. What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Laying Off Mr. Smith owned a small business. He had two employees, Sarah and Jack. They were both extremely good employees - always willing to work overtime and chip in where needed.

Mr. Smith was looking over his books one day and decided that he wasn't making enough money to warrant two employees and he would have to lay one off. But both Sarah and Jack were such good workers he was having trouble finding a fair way to do it. He decided that he would watch them work and the first one to take a break would be the one he would lay off.

So, he sat in his office and watched them work. Suddenly, Sarah gets a terrible headache and needs to take an aspirin. She gets the aspirin out of her purse and goes to the water cooler to get something to wash it down with. Mr. Smith follows her to the water cooler, taps her on the shoulder and says, "Sarah, I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off."

And Sarah says, "Can you jack off? I have a headache!"

The Gift. A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic, but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.

During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:

"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove".

"These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really good".

"I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again".

"When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing".

"Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my love".

"P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."

Italians. A bus stops and two obviously Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I pee twice. Then I come once more."

"You foul-mouthed wop swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, cool down lady," said the man. "I was only tellin' my friend here how to spell Mississippi."

Update. Newly Weds. There were these newly weds that were both virgins and nervous about the wedding night. Finally when it came, the wife took off all of her clothes and went under the covers while her husband took off his clothes one by one. First he took off his socks and his toes were messed up. His wife says "What happened to your toes?" He says "I had toelio". She says "You mean polio?", but he said, "No, toelio". Then he takes off his pants and the wife sees that his knees are all banged up and weird. The wife says "What happened to your knees?" He says "I had kneaseles". And she says "You mean measles?" and he says "No, kneaseles". Finally he took off his underwear and she says "Let me guess... small cox?"

The Bet. A little old lady goes to the Bank of Canada one day carrying a bag of money. She insists that she must speak with the President of the bank to open a savings account because it's a lot of money. They finally get her into the president's office and he asks her how much she would like to deposit. She says she has $165,000 and then dumps it out of the bag onto his desk. The president was surprised and of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asks her. The old lad says, "I make bets". The president replies, "Bets? What kind of bets?" and she says, "for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square". "Ha!" says the president, "That's a stupid bet, you can never win that kind of bet". The old lady says,"So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," says the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady says "OK, but since there is a lot of money involved is it OK with you if I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM to witness?" "Sure" says the president. That night the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again, thouroughly checking them out until he was sure that there is no way his balls are square and that he will win the bet. The next morning at 10 AM the little old lady appears with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduces the lawyer to the president and repeats the bet, that $25,000 says the president's balls are square. The president agrees with the bet again and the old lady asks him to drop his pants so they can see. The president does this. The little old lady looks closely at his balls and then asks if she can feel them. "Well, OK" says the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure". Then he notices that the lawyer is quietly banging his head against the wall and he asks the old lady , "What is wrong with your lawyer?" She replies, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that by 10 AM today I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hands!"

The Camel. A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?" The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, we have the camel." The Captain said "Well, if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me." After he had been at the fort for about 6 months, the Captain could not stand it anymore, so he told his Sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!" The Sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the Captain's quarters. The Captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?" The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."

Superman. One day Superman is really horny and sees Wonder Woman sunbathing on a beach naked! He gets an idea... "They've always said I'm faster than a speeding bullet and I've always wondered what she'd be like with all her powers. So he zooms down and does her in a flash and is gone before anyone can notice. All of a sudden WonderWoman sits up and says, "What the was that!?!". Then the Invisible Man gets off her and replies, "I don't know but it hurt like hell!"

The Flashing Wife. A guy goes over to his friends house, rings the bell. The wife answers.
"Hi, is Tony home?"
"No, Chris, he went to the store."
"Well, do you mind if I wait?"
"No, come on in."
They sit down and the friend says, "You know Sara, you have the most beautifully shaped breasts I've ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."
Sara thinks about this for a second and figures, what the hell, a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows him one. He thanks her and promptly throws a hundred bucks on the table.
They sit there a while longer and Chris says, " They are just so beautiful! I've got to see them both. I'll give you another hundred if I could just see them both together."
Sara say what the hell, opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her and throws another hundred bucks on the table and says he can't wait any longer for Tony and leaves.
A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says, "You know, your weird friend Chris came over."
Tony thinks about this for a second and says, "Well, did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"