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Eliciting values - introducing the questions
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Partial Estonian translation
In order to accomplish eliciting values properly, you need her to provide you
with her core values and in order for her to be able to do that, you need to ask
the right questions. For example, you could start with:
"I think its an absolutely fantastic feeling to get to know another human being.
And what's really stimulating, is to learn what someone else thinks of major
issues revolving around us in this world… and discovering what's important for
her in life. So if I were to ask you, what do you really value and what's
important to you in a relationship, what would you answer?" If she replies with
ends values (feeling loved, understood) - bingo! Be the one to make her feel
that (by incorporating that into talk about yourself or making up a pattern
about that). If she replies with means values (the means of achieving ends
values - like a strong, brave man... to make her feel what? you need to find
out!), do some additional asking: "And what does it feel like to have a
relationship with such a guy?".
ASF: "Ask questions that get her to go inside & come back with values and
criteria. Questions that touch on her identity as a person. For example:
"You know Debbie, most of the time we talk about surface stuff, like what we did
last night at the party, or where we want to go next weekend, things like that.
It's ok to talk about that stuff, and I enjoy it. I find that I get a lot more
out of talking about who we are as people on a deep level, what's important to
us, what we believe in, how we feel, and why. So I was wondering what's
important to you in a relationship (or this class, or a friend, or…)?" Then
listen to what she tells you… Stick to what emotions she's experiencing & why
and you'll never run out of things to talk about."
NYC: "You must know who you MUST BE to fuck her. How exactly do you achieve
that? It's very basic really. Instead of talking about bullshit with a chick or
your porsche or your yacht or your country club membership... ask her about
herself."
It wouldn't however be wise to just blurt out the questions, that might sound
rehearsed (an impression you want to avoid like the plague, any signs of you
having rehearsed and you're toast, unless she really likes you, in which case it
really doesn't matter what you do:). It would probably feel more natural, if you
introduced the questions in the line of a friendly, affectionate and empathic
conversation. An example by Ross Jeffries:
"You know, I know in a situation like this, the typical thing is for a person to
ask "what do you do?". And, it's not that I'm not interested in that, but I find
I learn a lot more about a person when I find out what the challenges are in
what they do. Because I know their are some aspects of what you do that are
easy, and others are more difficult. Some are a challenge and others you can do
in your sleep. With me, in my line of work it's the same thing. So, if were to
ask you, what's the one aspect of what you do that's a challenge, either because
you have to focus in to do it well, or you just have to focus in to get yourself
motivated to do it, what would that be?"
Update. When asking the questions, NEVER start
asking disconnected questions, that is questions on different topics. NYC, ASF:
"...you can't get away with that at all. What you have to do is STRING your
topics from TANGENTS from the original topic. Make it look like a continuous
flow so that they NEVER END telling you about the first thing they started
talking about.
you: what do you do?
her: blah blah working with kids...
you: the kids must be rowdy
her: yes they are hard to control blah blah
you: I used to be like that too... when I was a kid...
her: I had the same thing happen to me...
you: how old were you when that happened?
her: I was 13 blah blah
you: did you live with your parents?
her: no, they had divorced when I was 10...
you: damn... that must have been tough on you...
her: I learned to survive on my own...
you: my friend had that happen to her also... she likes to live alone
now
her: me too... that's why I don't have a roommate BLAH BLAH BLAH
You see how "she" NEVER got to change topics? You keep changing topics based on
TANGENTS to the original topic and it SEEMS like you are still asking her about
the first question ALTHOUGH the topic has changed like 6 times:)
The WRONG way to do it however is this:
you: what do you do?
her: blah blah working with kids...
you: did you live with both of your parents until college?
her: no, they had divorced when I was 10...
you: do you have any roommates?
her: WHAT'S WITH THE FUCKING 20 QUESTIONS?"
Update. NYC, ASF: "You have to APPEAR genuinely
interested in her life. Ask her fluff questions about her life and move into the
important questions from there. She will only tell this stuff to someone that
she likes, so make the connection first, then get interested in her and she will
be PLEASED that someone wants to know more than if she is a 38D:)"
Alternatively, instead of APPEARING interested, you can try BEING interested:)
Jake Thomson, ASF: "I have an easier time simply being genuinely interested and
curious about who she is, what she feels, what she thinks and believes and why
than trying to appear that way. Also keep I keep my outcome in mind, am I
looking for Ms. Right? or Ms. Right-Now? I'm willing to tolerate a lot more
divergence between my beliefs and her beliefs with Ms. Right-Now, than I am with
Ms. Right."
If she has a different belief system than you, neither do you want to start
arguing with her nor to you want to agree with her (while you really don't).
There's a way to turn the situation to your advantage nevertheless. Jake
Thomson, ASF: "If we have fairly divergent beliefs, sometimes I'll ask her to
try and convince me. I'll tell her something like, "I hold somewhat different
beliefs on that subject. I'm sure you've got excellent reasons for what you
believe though. I'm curious, how did you come to those conclusions? What
convinced YOU? And, if you were going to convince somebody, Debbie, how would
you do it?" Because what she'll almost certainly do is give me her strategy for
convincing herself. As to just how that information might come in handy, I'll
leave as an exercise for the reader."
Update. Here's a simpler alternative to asking the
questions - frame it as a game (see "The questions game" for a variation of
this). Eric, Clifford's Seduction newsletter:
"I say the first part of a sentence and then the chick finishes it as if it were
her sentence. For example "My name is... "...(chick's name)". Intersperse this
with a few pacing stems like the above and rapport is easily built but here's
the good part... Use stems like "I have an incredible connection when..", "I
feel excited when..", "I am comfortable when..", "I feel good about.." and then
note the trance words. This is easier/faster than getting the chick to think of
an exciting time she had recently and works like a charm. When you get STRONG
responses, you can use some hypnotic techniques to amplify and anchor them. So
that if it were to be "I feel absolutely turned on when.." "...I am safe, warm,
and comfortable", you might just say "Stop, go inside and think back to when you
first felt safe, warm, and comfortable..." This is like a quick walk through
someone's psyche without the BS getting in the way because... IT'S ONLY A
GAME!!:)".
See also:
Eliciting values explained
Eliciting values - the questions
Eliciting values - the answers
The questions game
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