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Eliciting values - introducing the questions


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Partial Estonian translation

In order to accomplish eliciting values properly, you need her to provide you with her core values and in order for her to be able to do that, you need to ask the right questions. For example, you could start with:

"I think its an absolutely fantastic feeling to get to know another human being. And what's really stimulating, is to learn what someone else thinks of major issues revolving around us in this world… and discovering what's important for her in life. So if I were to ask you, what do you really value and what's important to you in a relationship, what would you answer?" If she replies with ends values (feeling loved, understood) - bingo! Be the one to make her feel that (by incorporating that into talk about yourself or making up a pattern about that). If she replies with means values (the means of achieving ends values - like a strong, brave man... to make her feel what? you need to find out!), do some additional asking: "And what does it feel like to have a relationship with such a guy?".

ASF: "Ask questions that get her to go inside & come back with values and criteria. Questions that touch on her identity as a person. For example:

"You know Debbie, most of the time we talk about surface stuff, like what we did last night at the party, or where we want to go next weekend, things like that. It's ok to talk about that stuff, and I enjoy it. I find that I get a lot more out of talking about who we are as people on a deep level, what's important to us, what we believe in, how we feel, and why. So I was wondering what's important to you in a relationship (or this class, or a friend, or…)?" Then listen to what she tells you… Stick to what emotions she's experiencing & why and you'll never run out of things to talk about."

NYC: "You must know who you MUST BE to fuck her. How exactly do you achieve that? It's very basic really. Instead of talking about bullshit with a chick or your porsche or your yacht or your country club membership... ask her about herself."

It wouldn't however be wise to just blurt out the questions, that might sound rehearsed (an impression you want to avoid like the plague, any signs of you having rehearsed and you're toast, unless she really likes you, in which case it really doesn't matter what you do:). It would probably feel more natural, if you introduced the questions in the line of a friendly, affectionate and empathic conversation. An example by Ross Jeffries:

"You know, I know in a situation like this, the typical thing is for a person to ask "what do you do?". And, it's not that I'm not interested in that, but I find I learn a lot more about a person when I find out what the challenges are in what they do. Because I know their are some aspects of what you do that are easy, and others are more difficult. Some are a challenge and others you can do in your sleep. With me, in my line of work it's the same thing. So, if were to ask you, what's the one aspect of what you do that's a challenge, either because you have to focus in to do it well, or you just have to focus in to get yourself motivated to do it, what would that be?"

Update. When asking the questions, NEVER start asking disconnected questions, that is questions on different topics. NYC, ASF: "...you can't get away with that at all. What you have to do is STRING your topics from TANGENTS from the original topic. Make it look like a continuous flow so that they NEVER END telling you about the first thing they started talking about.

you: what do you do?
her: blah blah working with kids...
you: the kids must be rowdy
her: yes they are hard to control blah blah
you: I used to be like that too... when I was a kid...
her: I had the same thing happen to me...
you: how old were you when that happened?
her: I was 13 blah blah
you: did you live with your parents?
her: no, they had divorced when I was 10...
you: damn... that must have been tough on you...
her: I learned to survive on my own...
you: my friend had that happen to her also... she likes to live alone now
her: me too... that's why I don't have a roommate BLAH BLAH BLAH

You see how "she" NEVER got to change topics? You keep changing topics based on TANGENTS to the original topic and it SEEMS like you are still asking her about the first question ALTHOUGH the topic has changed like 6 times:)

The WRONG way to do it however is this:

you: what do you do?
her: blah blah working with kids...
you: did you live with both of your parents until college?
her: no, they had divorced when I was 10...
you: do you have any roommates?
her: WHAT'S WITH THE FUCKING 20 QUESTIONS?"

Update. NYC, ASF: "You have to APPEAR genuinely interested in her life. Ask her fluff questions about her life and move into the important questions from there. She will only tell this stuff to someone that she likes, so make the connection first, then get interested in her and she will be PLEASED that someone wants to know more than if she is a 38D:)"

Alternatively, instead of APPEARING interested, you can try BEING interested:) Jake Thomson, ASF: "I have an easier time simply being genuinely interested and curious about who she is, what she feels, what she thinks and believes and why than trying to appear that way. Also keep I keep my outcome in mind, am I looking for Ms. Right? or Ms. Right-Now? I'm willing to tolerate a lot more divergence between my beliefs and her beliefs with Ms. Right-Now, than I am with Ms. Right."

If she has a different belief system than you, neither do you want to start arguing with her nor to you want to agree with her (while you really don't). There's a way to turn the situation to your advantage nevertheless. Jake Thomson, ASF: "If we have fairly divergent beliefs, sometimes I'll ask her to try and convince me. I'll tell her something like, "I hold somewhat different beliefs on that subject. I'm sure you've got excellent reasons for what you believe though. I'm curious, how did you come to those conclusions? What convinced YOU? And, if you were going to convince somebody, Debbie, how would you do it?" Because what she'll almost certainly do is give me her strategy for convincing herself. As to just how that information might come in handy, I'll leave as an exercise for the reader."

Update. Here's a simpler alternative to asking the questions - frame it as a game (see "The questions game" for a variation of this). Eric, Clifford's Seduction newsletter:

"I say the first part of a sentence and then the chick finishes it as if it were her sentence. For example "My name is... "...(chick's name)". Intersperse this with a few pacing stems like the above and rapport is easily built but here's the good part... Use stems like "I have an incredible connection when..", "I feel excited when..", "I am comfortable when..", "I feel good about.." and then note the trance words. This is easier/faster than getting the chick to think of an exciting time she had recently and works like a charm. When you get STRONG responses, you can use some hypnotic techniques to amplify and anchor them. So that if it were to be "I feel absolutely turned on when.." "...I am safe, warm, and comfortable", you might just say "Stop, go inside and think back to when you first felt safe, warm, and comfortable..." This is like a quick walk through someone's psyche without the BS getting in the way because... IT'S ONLY A GAME!!:)".

See also:
Eliciting values explained
Eliciting values - the questions
Eliciting values - the answers
The questions game